


A Tale of Regret and Loss

by tchallabucky (PuppyWillGraham)



Series: stevebucky drabbles [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And More Angst, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not a happy ending at all, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, a clusterfuck of angst, stevebucky - Freeform, war time bucky barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 17:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3298535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuppyWillGraham/pseuds/tchallabucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Steve hadn't been picked to be given the super serum? And what if Bucky had been shipped off to war all on his own?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Tale of Regret and Loss

**Author's Note:**

> (kinda) loosely based on this prompt/imagine: "but do u ever think about steve not getting the super serum and bucky going off to war all on his own. steve dying bc he's so sickly and bucky not being saved that first time", and the responding comments by multiple people, but most notably @piningbuchanan on twitter.

Bucky doesn't believe it at first. In fact, he outright refuses to believe it. Steve is the strongest person he knows, and he shakes his head at his neighbours who tell him that the smaller male had passed away recently due to a bout of pneumonia he hadn't been able to fight off, right before Bucky had gotten home from the war he and others of the 107th had been fighting.

He lets out a small snort, still disbelieving everything people are telling him. Deny, deny, deny. After all, Steve Rogers is that punk who can give as good as he can get, whether it's giving a punch or taking it. Kicking someone's ass, or getting his own ass kicked. He could take it, just as he could hold his own when it came to the array of illnesses he had suffered with for all of his (apparently short) life.

Bucky stares at the third set of neighbours who were offering him condolences for his loss, before turning on his heel and making his way into their shared apartment. Everything is as it was before he'd been shipped off, minus a few lived-in details that were obviously all Steve.

"Steve?" Bucky calls out into the empty apartment, paying no mind to the response he doesn't receive. The response he'll never receive again. "I'm back home, and we didn't win the war without ya, just like I promised."

Silence, as is to be expected from everyone but the man now fetching himself and his little punk of a best friend two glasses of whiskey.

The rest of the night passes much the same way, the denial slowly turning into guilt, distress, and turmoil, all internal. Bucky keeps up his façade and act, even when there's nobody else to act for.

\--

Of course, it stays that way. Bucky honestly, deep, deep down hadn't been expecting anything to change, although a small, childish part of him waited for Steve to come back to him, just like Bucky always came back to Steve, no matter what. That was why he'd even been able to come home in the first place; he'd fought his hardest to survive just so he could see that brilliant smile on his best pal's face, to see those lovely artist's hands at work on a new masterpiece.

\--

He gets black out drunk often and sees Steve every time, who always manages to talk him out of doing something stupid. It often ends up in Bucky lashing out at thin air after a one sided argument, stumbling back to his room and slamming the door shut behind him, a thud resounding throughout the otherwise empty apartment as he leans heavily against his bedroom door, often breaking down into drunken sobs of _Steve!_ and wails of  _Stevie, please come back home. I need you...I need ya to take care of me now. Please._

When he doesn't get black out drunk, he feels desperate and awfully sober. It always ends the same way, Bucky replaying everything on that last day they'd spent together over and over and over in his mind until he's driving himself all counts of insane. The loss and regret he feels is a physical pain that sits heavy on his chest like a lead weight.

\--

He would've thought that he'd be plagued with nightmares from his time out in the war, but those don't seem to exist with his ever growing desperation for Steve to come home.

\--

Soon, even the drink isn't enough to black out those negative emotions associated with pinning the blame entirely on himself. It was either that or put the blame all on Steve for not being careful enough, for not taking enough care of himself, but the latter is all redundant and invalid when that should've been Bucky's job.

He doesn't know how long it's been since he'd first heard of his best friend's death. He's felt every stage prior to acceptance, and he knows he never will be able to accept it.

\--

Crossing the Brooklyn Bridge to get to Steve Rogers' grave is a trip that Bucky never thought he'd have to make. It makes it all the more apparent that Steve really was gone. That doesn't mean he has to accept it, though, and just as expected, he doesn't.

He doesn't make the complete return trip, faltering on the bridge on the way back. It's dark, and all it takes is a simple case of misfooting. Completely accidental, except it isn't an accident at all. Steve hadn't been there to talk him out of it this time.

As he makes his way down, he briefly hopes that he's buried next to his best friend.

Together, right 'til the end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> well holy fucking shit... the ideas my brain churns out between 3 and 4am. i blame my tendency to sway towards more angst than is necessary to think about when the pairing already has enough angst in canon to boot.
> 
> i'm actually quite pleased with the coherency and flow of this, though, despite all the content...so! comments and kudos, etc, are all appreciated, as usual. thanks for reading!


End file.
